I’ve been off-road lately. A recent account suspension sent me into a spiral of contemplation, looking back at a life defined by a struggle for basic freedom. In the quiet of that reflection, a memory from when I was six or seven years old hit me with a vivid, physical clarity.
At the time, my father, a man who was financially wealthy but morally bankrupt, had me and my mother living in a one-bedroom flat. It wasn’t a family building; it was a residence for bachelors and grown men. I had no toys, no entertainment, and nowhere to go. Boredom was my constant companion, so I would wander into the hallway.
There was a flat nearby where the TV was visible through a screen door. I would stand there, a small girl staring at a glowing screen, using those flickering images as a doorway to escape. The men who lived there never bothered me; perhaps, in their own way, they understood my misery.
One day, my father caught me.
The moment I saw him, I felt half-dead inside. I ran for our room, but he was faster. He picked me up and threw me across the room with such rage that I flew ten feet before hitting the bed. I remember the scream that tore out of me as my hip buckled under the impact. When my mother rushed to my side and demanded to know why he had done it, he explained, with total conviction, the “sin” I had committed.
I was a child caught watching TV.
The Biology of a “Sin”
Looking back, the logic of that environment is haunting. Why was a small girl being raised in a building full of strangers? Why was a wealthy man keeping his family in a single room with no space to play?
What he called a “sin” was actually my nervous system’s desperate attempt to find a “safe signal” amidst the noise of an abusive home. When my father threw me across that room, my brain didn’t just process physical pain; it entered a state of hyper-vigilance. In neuroscience, we know that when a child’s environment is unpredictable and violent, the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, stays “on” indefinitely.
While I was being punished for watching a screen, my brain was actually trying to regulate itself to survive the isolation he had created.
Why the Body Keeps the Score
When a child endures this kind of torment, they don’t learn to hate their parents, they learn to hate themselves. Their identity becomes a crisis. They instill bad beliefs about life that act as anchors, dragging them down whenever they try to succeed.
This isn’t just a “sad story”; it is a physiological reality. Research by Dr. Eamon McCrory (2011) has shown that children exposed to domestic violence show the same heightened activation in the brain as war veterans exposed to combat. We are survivors of a war we never asked to fight, and our brains literally rewire themselves to survive a war zone at home.
Why Hypnotherapy Works for PTSD
This is why traditional “talk therapy” often feels like it hits a wall. You cannot always “reason” your way out of a survival response that is hard-wired into your nervous system. Talk therapy addresses the conscious, logical mind, but trauma lives in the subconscious and the body.
Neuroscience-based hypnotherapy has been my path forward because it bypasses the logical defense mechanisms and works directly with the subconscious, the place where those early “war zone” memories are stored. By accessing the brain’s neuroplasticity, we can begin to update those old files. It allows us to tell the nervous system that the war is over, the threat is gone, and it is finally safe to come home to ourselves.
The Path to Reclaiming the Self
I am still a work in progress. This morning, as these memories resurfaced, I cried. But through those tears, I felt an immense love for that six-year-old girl, and a more powerful urge to keep writing my imperfect words.
I live in a country where opportunities for people like me are scarce. Online, I might struggle to find my voice, but I won’t stop. This writing is how I heal.
If you grew up with neglect, a narcissistic mother, or an abusive father: I am here for you. I am writing this so you feel less alone. Your “imperfect” survival was actually a masterpiece of biological endurance. Now, it’s time to heal. You can subscribe to my newsletter for bi-weekly freebies.
Research has shown that children exposed to violence develop the same hyper-vigilant neural pathways as soldiers in combat (McCrory et al., 2011). Our brains literally re-wire themselves to survive a war zone at home.
